Yesterday was a good day to die...

...so I got up in the middle of the night. I got out of my room and headed towards the kitchen. 'There's a knife there...'
I open the drawer and theres it is, shinning with the little amount of moonlight that comes from outside. I look at the blade...I can't miss, I can't hesitate. My left wrist resting firmly against the kitchen table...the knife well clutched in my right hand... NOW!!! - a voice inside my head shouts.

I see the blade piercing trough my wrist, damaging all it finds in it's way...I pull it up, so there's no chance of failling. 'I won't make a sound, let me fall to the ground...' I lay down, afterall...falling would wake someone up.

I stand there, looking at the ceiling, my wrist hurts, I wish it would stop, but time seems to stand still...even on my death bed, I'll have to regret everything I did, death will torture me, taking long enough for me to do it...let's do it, then. My back starts to feel wet, maybe it's blood, maybe it's something else, it won't make a difference, I'll be gone for good.

I hear many familliar voices...'No, don't help me!!! Please...' Soon I realize they're not there, they're inside me...

I hear a couple of female voices, a handful of male.
-Why did you do this? - one of the male voices says...
-I couldn't stand it, now leave me alone!!! Sorry, I just want to rest. And thanks for all the good times, you were a really great friend. Sorry, but you won't be alone...wish I could hug you...bye. Don't remember me, ever, that's the point.
Three voices shut.

The voice I always heard, the greatest of friends, a brother...he speaks in a sad voice.
-We talked so much about it, but I never thought you would do it...
-I'm sorry, my friend, my brother, my companion. You were the only one who never left me, who always stood there for me, and now I'm leaving you. But don't miss me, please. Let me die in peace, the way I couldn't live. Wish you luck with everything, sorry about all the plans we made and we'll never accomplish, sorry for all the times I was such a bastard. We could have a dog, sure... I really love you. Don't take the guilt and... "Don't live with shame". Show them what you're worth, and take care of them all. I wish I could hug you and say all of this personally. Bye...

A female voice talks. A female voice I've know for years. Not that long ago, I'd say I knew this voice like no other person did, but right now, that would be a lie.
-Why? I really...
-No, you didn't!!! Don't even dare saying that word again! I've heard it as a lie too many times before. I don't want lies, I don't want excuses nor explanations, I don't want to know anything. We've said all the words, we've sang all the songs, we did every move. We were meant, but you never cared. Live as you've done, and not a tear, as I expect you to. Afterall, "When it ends like it ended, what's it worth?" Bye...

I hear your voice...in that moment, I see the light, I know it's time for me to go...but I still wanna hear you...
-Is it cold there? Is it hot? I'm cold.
-I've known better temperatures, but I guess it's O.K. You're not gonna ask why?
-I need not. I know your reasons...
-Sorry, I never thought it would end like this, but I was tired...'too tired to care'.
-No need to explain. Hope you find your way up there.
-Up? Up is not my direction...I'm going down.
-You know that's not true...you're going up and remember, you will never...

...I couldn't hear what you said next, but I knew it...I wanted so much to finish that sentence. I was up, standing in my kitchen, there was blood on the floor, I could see myself. 'Guess I'm already dead'...then I looked at me, one last time. I had never seen myself. It's different from a photo, from a film, from a mirror. I look closer...this is how all of you saw me. This is how I was for all of you...weird, I'm smilling...I wasn't smilling when I looked at the ceiling. There's only one thing that makes me smile, lately...you. All of you.

The light shines brighter...but it's not dragging me, it's questioning me. I feel I still have a choice. I came all this way...but now...now I really want to finish that sentence, it rattles inside struggling to slip out of my mouth...

Light, air, heat...light from my room's window, air from the very same room, heat from outside, leaking in through every tiny hole. My body burns and you're not around...

But wrist is ok. Voices gone. Is this death? Not that different...maybe it was a dream...no, there's a scar, only it didn't happen yesterday, it didn't happen in my kitchen, and the voices...one certainly wasn't there, I must have imagined it. She'd never come, I laugh at my own stupidity.

But yours was real...I got up, maybe I was still sleeping when I read your words, but they did make sense, they cooled me like a pleasant southern rain. I could have died last night, but I would never have read your words, and I wouldn't be able to finish the sentence...
'walk alone'..."You will never walk alone..."

Today...today is a terrible day to die...